October 17 :: Your Camera Looks Through Me With Its X-Ray Vision


These fabulous gals still hate the Avalanche. There’s no way to control it. It’s totally automatic whenever you’re around.

It’s the Red Wings and Avalanche. And even though it’s not 1996 anymore, I still hate those cocksuckers with the fire of a thousand suns. If ever there was a reason to bring back the pre-game format, it’s to get inside that tiny, emotionally corrupt, poutine-drenched brain of Patrick Roy, who is just begging to add to his illustrious list of career-best fuck-ups against, and only against, the Detroit Red Wings. Like… remember this? Or this? Or maybe this? You can call him the best goaltender of all time (you’d be wrong, but you can do that if it makes you warm and fuzzy) but remember this, Patty: we’ve owned you like a weird French slave that only talks to goalposts.

The last time these two teams met, it was April 5, 2013 and the Wings won 3-2 in overtime on the strength of Pavel Datsyuk’s second goal of the contest. The other goal was scored by some strange spectre allegedly named Gustav Nyquist. He must be good.

Gabriel Landeskog has the best name on this team, even if he looks like the already-fat guy from a boy band let himself go even further.

:: Detroit defeated the Blue Jackets 2-1 on Tuesday. It was their third win in a row, and they’ll continue to ride Jonas Gustavsson.
:: Colorado beat Dallas 3-2, also on Tuesday, and remain undefeated on the young season.

By special request, the TPL Glossary is ready to jailsex your eyes.

Zetterberg — Datsyuk — Thunderchief
Mulo — Weiss — Abdelkader
Cleary — Andersson — Alfredsson
Miller — Glendening — Tootoo

Kronwall — Ericsson
Quincey — DeKeyser
Kindl — Lashoff


Tomas “Look What You’re Doing to Me” Tatar
Mikael “I’m Utterly At Your Whim” Samuelsson
Brendan “All of My Defenses Down” Smith

Darren “All I Can Manage to Push from My Lips is a Stream of Absurdities” Helm
Patrick “Every Word I Intended to Speak Wind Up Locked in the Circuitry” Eaves

The TPL Name Game “Three Stars”
Dan “What is this Madness that Makes my Motor Run and my Legs Too Weak to Stand” Cleary
Gustav “I Go From Sadness to Exhilaration Like a Robot at Your Command” Nyquist
Jimmy “Up and Down Goes My Temperature” Howard
*Think you can do better? You’re probably right, it’s been a few years…*


2 thoughts on “October 17 :: Your Camera Looks Through Me With Its X-Ray Vision”

  1. Was this article written by a pubescent teenage boy? How many people over the age of 18 refer to people they don’t like as “cocksuckers”? Were you too afraid to go with “shitpackers” or “butt pirates” or did you just want to class it up a little and only reference oral sex? I’ll remember never to follow anymore links to this website.

    1. Says the guy whose avatar is a bootleg image of Calvin peeing on Ted Nugent. But yeah, they’re the prepubescent teenage boys.

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