The TPL/WIM NHL All-Star Fantasy Throwdown is well underway. The guys have done all the hard work of drafting our picks and setting up the roster, and I don’t have to do any of the push ups or drink-fetching in the highly unlikely event that we lose. (Right? I wasn’t consulted on this. And frankly, the idea of me doing push-ups is laughable. I can do, like, eight. Maybe.) They’re also on top of the shit-talking, which is good because all I’ve got in that repertoire is “SUCK IT” which I think is hilarious but isn’t very substantial.
So what’s the main way I can help? Cheerleading.
Actually, I’m a lot better at drawing. And I’m really good at drawing Shetuzzi.
So this happened.
Well. At least we’ll strike fear into the hearts of our enemies.
I always forget that Darren Helm is six months younger than I am. Welcome to age 24, love, you’re off to a great start.
I have to say, when he got smacked earlier in the game, I was frozen with horror. I think I made a few whimpering noises and tweeted some incomprehensible. We certainly don’t need anymore injuries, and especially not one of our most effective forwards. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the number 43 back on the ice. And when he scored the game winner in OT… well, I don’t think that I should be telling the internet about that reaction.
Now that he’s found those hands, I hope to see them used more frequently. I can’t wait.
Hi. I’m Stevie, but you can call me Steven. You might know me from such bits of artistic genius known as HorseCop and the Rocky Horror Picture Show Pregame. With those gems on my resume, I’ve been asked by the fine chaps of TPL to be the “in-house” artist. Never did I imagine, when I first doodled a scary little caricature of our favorite little commissioner nearly 3 months ago, that my talent for drawing silly things would get me this far. I can’t promise great regularity, but when I can squeeze in time between observing ducks doin’ it, and verbally eviscerating college students, I’ll keep jailsexing your eyeballs with Shetuzzi doodles.
Before I stop typing and get back to drawing, I’d like to thank Discher, Hollis and Petrella for giving me the opportunity to play with the big boys. I’ll try not to girl it up around here.
Once in a lifetime — if we’re lucky — a film comes along that changes the way we look at ourselves, not to mention the way we view cinema forever.
Our parents had The Godfather. Their parents had Gone with the Wind. Their parents had… well, I dunno… some weird Edison newsreel, I suppose.
We, friends, have HorseCop. And Jurassic Park. But mostly HorseCop.
In his insanely brilliant follow-up to Machete, director Robert Rodriguez gave us chills, thrills, and quite a few spills from the new most famous horse in the world (suck on that, Seabiscuit). It’s a dark romantic mocku-dramedy rife with car chases, gun fights, naked women, broken bones, mace (the badass medieval weapon, not the pansy spray), and features a suave leading man as he sexes his way to all the bad guys, bringing an end to dog-fighting, illegal trafficking, and global warming in one fell swoop.
Just another Thursday for Officer Cop. Officer Horse Cop.
If you can saunter into HorseCop and come out the same man or woman two hours later, you’re clearly some sort of demon person and you aren’t welcome here anymore. Put Xanadu back on and crawl into your lonely, dark, lonely darkroom. Alone.
If you think you’re man (or woman) enough for HorseCop, buckle your seat belt, grab your sack (or ovaries) and hit the next showtime.
Bring lube. You’re going to need it.
The year is 2024. Oh, I didn’t mention it’s the future? Well it is.
An impossibly handsome and independently wealthy young man decides that his sexual prowess could be used for good, instead of just gooooood and quickly rises through the ranks within the Fuckyeah America Police Department. His once-partner has gone rogue — now a kingpin himself — and Officer Cop must learn to work with a new partner.
While Officer Cop is no stranger to sowing his oats, he’s going to have to contend with a new type of oats… the kind his teeth-kicking, fire-breathing, death-bringing mildly-retarded thoroughbred partner has tucked in his cheek.
Can they work together? Will each be jealous of the other’s manhood? Will Office Horse ever learn to love again after losing his filly (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) to a 33-story drop off of Frost Bank Tower (the tallest non-residential building in Austin and first sky-scraper to be begun following September 11th)?
Much of the tension between the partners stems from Officer Horse’s loss, since Officer Cop pulls no punches letting his equine counterpart know exactly how he felt about her looks (“She looked like a fucking horse, bro.”)
BRILLIANT PERFORMANCES: FROM LEADING MAN TO LEADING MANE
Surefire Future Hollywood Walk of Famer Robert Discher is two parts Lorenzo Lamas, three parts Chuck Norris, and one part Daryl Hall — but that’s the part that counts most…ladies. Officer HorseCop is a man’s man — a flying bear in a world of sharp-toothed birds, big enough for Willa and two Duffs. When he’s not personally ending world hunger or building roofs over the homeless with nothing but his two hands and a couple nails, he’s precariously juggling the women who love him: a number so high that mere mortals can’t fathom. It even has its own symbol. It kind of looks like Prince’s old name. But sexier.
The squeeze we see most often on-screen is ably played by Vanessa Hudgens, who has been quoted as saying that she “can’t even look Zac anymore” after sharing only a few testosterone-fueled moments in Discher’s trailer rehearsing lines. Which is odd considering she has a grand total of zero lines, aside from moans and sounds of painful desperation.
Fresh off of his breakthrough role on television, Equine McYzerman is nothing short of Oscar fodder. If he’s overlooked during awards season, it’d be a crime akin to every woman on the planet losing to Erin Brockovich’s cans in 2001. Don’t make the same mistake twice, Academy. If ever an animal has deserved attention for one’s performance, it’s this. McYzerman has recently checked into rehab, amid reports of “dehydration,” but has said he’d be honored to reprieve the role, should anyone be alive long enough to make an awesome enough sequel: “That’ll show that little bitch Toto who’s the boss…”
In a stellar turn as the good cop gone bad, is the legendary Bruce Campbell, whose notably lines all include the word “Boomstick” — only with a thick, poorly-done Scottish accent that no one seems to understand, even on-screen for some reason. Brilliant cameos from “Smooth” Billy Dee Williams, Jimmy Smits, Christopher Lambert, Jeff Daniels, and Verne Troyer — NO I KNOW! I thought he was dead, too — only increase the starpower of an unruly cast of misfits, sexpots, and once-demi-gods.
CLAIMS FROM THE MASSES
All of the Latinas streaming out of the theatre said that they were no longer wearing their panties — but they weren’t sure how that happened. As they stumbled into the lobby, many of them smoking cigarettes lit with the smoldering embers of what remains of their undergarments, they seemed to have a sort of euphoric confusion about them. A handful even stopped by the local convenience store to buy a pregnancy test, convinced that they were now carrying an immaculately conceived lovechild, which is now beginning an eight-month process (yeah, the baby’s that awesome) of perfecting its bicep curls while slowing building its awesome and quickly growing sideburns.
“I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that this movie saved our marriage,” said John and Jane Q. Lonelysheets, a long-married couple from parts unknown. “All I know is we were stuck in a rut, banging our head against the metaphorical brick wall until we saw HorseCop and now we have to rush home to create several thousand babies.”
A ten minute sandwich-making montage really hit home with Madison native Zachary MacRostie. “I’d lost all faith in humanity’s ability to make a good sandwich,” MacRostie would later say, “and then I saw HorseCop and I knew all would be well in the morning. I mean to think… Officer Horse Cop uses the same kind of mustard I do? I cried for an hour.”
THE FILMMAKERS WOULD LIKE TO THANK…
Big thanks to @stevieroxelle for the art design, which is simply breathtaking in its beauty. Another big thanks to @bradonweb for helping with character development.
WHAT’S ALL THIS THEN? Our beloved Red Wings are forced to endure a few hours in New Jersey, playing the Devils at 7pm Eastern. Many, many showers will be needed to get the funk of America’s landfill out of their skin.
WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA? Detroit plays their fourth game of the week (and sixth in 8 days). They had a very nice win last night against Montreal, but they started to look a little tired toward the end of the contest. Back-to-back game. Beware.
NOW WHERE WERE WE? The last matchup between these two squads was over a year ago, December 5th. The Wings dropped the shootout (SURPRISE!) for a final score of 4-3. Chris Osgood lost that contest (SURPRISE AGAIN!) — his fourth loss in a row during an awful season. Goals were scored by Tomas Holmstrom, Kris Draper, and Patrick Eaves. The Wings were without Brian Rafalski (back), Andreas Lilja (difficulties recovering from getting the shit kicked out of him), Johan Franzen (knee), Valtteri Filppula (wrist), Jason Williams (broken leg, chronic vanillitis), Niklas Kronwall (your knee ain’t supposed to bend that way, playa)
OH, HI AGAIN Nobody on the Devils roster used to be a Red Wing, but there are there Michiganders: Brian Rolston (Flint), Andy Greene (Trenton), and the currently injured Matt Taormina (Warren).
MEMBA ME?! Brian Rafalski played 643 combined regular season and playoff games with the New Jersey Devils. Also, Drew Miller was born in Jersey. Sorry for all of those horrible things I’ve said (and will continue to say) about your homestate, SNP.
BEST NAME NOMINEE It might be captain Jamie Langenbrunner.
THEIR LAST GAMES :: Detroit defeated Montreal, 4-2, last night.
:: New Jersey also played last night, losing 3-2 to Ottawa. They think they were hosed on a call that would have tied the game in the third — no dice.
EXPECTED LINEUP Editor’s Note: I wasn’t able to see an actual lineup before heading out for the day. The following is my best guess…
Zetterberg — Datsyuk — Culo
Thunderchief — Flip — Mulo
Buckets — Gator — Scuttles
Draper — Helm — Miller
Lidstrom — Stuart
Rafalski — Ericsson
Cirque — Kronwall
Scratches Jakub “My Ridiculous Circuitous Plan is One Quarter Complete” Kindl [in Grand Rapids]
Patrick “What a Surprise. For You. Finding Me in the Refrigerator” Eaves
Injuries Mike “You’ll Be Lucky if You Can Master a Belt Buckle” Modano [wrist]
Honorable Mentions Todd “As Lousy as it is Brilliant” Bertuzzi
Jiri “Definitely Probably Not” Hudler
Darren “They’re Very Good Hands” Helm
Jonathan “How Delightfully Ironic” Ericsson
Chris “You Hit a Sour Note About 200 Years Back” Osgood
Aaron “You Can’t Just Have Your Characters Announce How They’re Feeling! That Makes Me Angry!” Downey *If there are any that you think I missed, throw them in the comments — the best one will be shared for all to enjoy on the TPL Facebook Page*
THE FIVE HOLE 1. Chris Osgood takes the crease during the second half of a back-to-back, and immediately after traveling. It will be his second game since returning from injury (the first was an overtime loss to LA last Saturday).
2. I’m in love with this defense. I said a few games back that the only defenseman that hadn’t impressed me yet was Niklas Kronwall, and when he flicked that nasty wrist shot in the Canadiens game, it was official: I was impressed. The six haven’t always impressed AT THE SAME TIME, but the way these guys are playing… they’re love-worthy.
3. Speaking of the defense, they accounted for quite a bit of the offense last night. It’d be spectacular if guys like Henrik Zetterberg, Johan Franzen, and — really? — Todd Bertuzzi could pick up the pace a bit tonight and spread the scoring out a tad.
4. Martin Brodeur returned to the Devils net last night, and he’ll very likely play the second half of the back-to-back, too. Sure, he’s not what he used to be, but he’s a dandy. We’re facing another tough goaltender tonight.
5. How awesome would it be if we had our first hat trick tonight, immediately following the big announcement at The Big House?
WHAT WE LEARNED AGAINST THE CANADIENS Original Six matchups are fun. Who knew…
DEVIL WE COVET (JJ Special) Easiest one of the entire league: Zach Parise.