Jiri Hudler will not play tonight, he’s day-to-day with a bruised foot after blocking a shot on Tuesday. He will be replaced in the lineup by Ilari Filppula.

Well, Red Wings fans. The time has come. It’s been a long, cold (read: hot) summer and it’s just about time to rev up the TPL Machine (I call it the General Jailsexlee) and do the damn thing. Your boys in red and white take to the ice tonight for a pre-season tilt, the first game ever played at the Penguins new rink. I was going to look up the name of it, but frankly — I don’t give a shit.

Is it too early to hate the Pittsburgh Penguins? The answer, of course, is “no, who the hell are you?” I can’t promise that the pre-games will maintain this format for the 2010-11 season, but for nostalgia’s sake (ya know… of a few months ago), I present you with the very first TPL Pre-Game in its new home.

The Red Wings get up, dust themselves off, and start their 2010-11 campaign, meeting the Penguins in their Temple of Doom.

1. There isn’t one, really. It’s a primer for the real games — which start soon enough. The Wings are dressing a lineup full of probables and a find maybes, and the Pens are doing the same.
2. Pre-season or not, let’s get a win here. Last season started a little lax and it’s time to show the world they can take their “too old” talk and shove it right up their bootay.
3. Chris Osgood is starting and playing two periods tonight. He has looked solid in camp, from what they tell me (they being you) and that’s good because he sucked donkey nard last season. If I’m being a smart-ass (I am), I’d ask how many seconds will go by before he allows one, since — ya know — he had a habit of letting pucks by him ON THE REGULAR in the opening minutes of games.

The last time these two clubs met was March 22nd. You may remember it fondly as a 3-1 victory. But we don’t kid ourselves around here. We remember it because Jimmy Howard beat the crap out of Sidney Crosby and permanently tattooed his chubby ass cheeks on our hearts.

No former Wings playing in tonight’s tilt.

As is tradition, the Red Wings stole some Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins in the off-season. Neither are playing tonight, but Chris Minard and Jamie Johnson are now Griffins. So take that, lovely part of the country where I was married in August!

Marc Letestu

They both lost in the playoffs — and for the first time since 2007, it wasn’t to one another.
They’re playing with nearly a complete lineup, so get ready for some Thid, Malkin, Orpik, Fleury. You know… guys you don’t really care for. What, no Jagr?

(Big time hat tip to @mserven for getting the lineups to me in a crunch)
Franzen — Flip — Shetuzzi
I. Filppula Scuttles — Modano — Cleary
Ritola — Helm — Eaves
Miller — Abdelkader — Downey

Stuart — Kindl
Ericsson — Salei
Meech — Lashoff

Kris “We Gon’ FIND You” Draper

Jimmy “We Got Yo’ T-Shirt!” Howard
Nicklas “You Done Left Fingerprints” Lidstrom
Brian “Snatchin’ Yo People Up” Rafalski
Tomas “You Don’t Have to Come and Confess” Holmstrom
Niklas “We Lookin’ For You” Kronwall
Henrik “Ferreal…” Zetterberg

Pavel “Run and Tell” DATsyuk

Honorable Mention
Todd “Hide Yo’ Kids, Hide Yo’ Wife” Bertuzzi

1. Start it off right.

It’s long when you’re not winning the Cup. Let’s not do that again.



    1. Quick follow-up to the the Temple of Doom reference as we settle on something disparaging to call the new Penis arena….

      There was a deeply moving video that came out a while back called “In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon.” …which makes me think that we might as well just start calling the new Pen’s arena “The Temple of Poon” and get it over with.

      Worthy nickname?

      1. It works on two levels – it’s the kind of movie that Sidney watches in Mario’s basement (maybe with Mario – but I don’t judge), and it makes the Penguins sound like a bunch of girls. It’s got my vote.

  1. Dibs forever on Pavel “Run and Tell” DATsyuk. I have missed the TPL pregame nicknames MORE than the desert misses the rain.

  2. The ‘Tuzz is in the lineup AND a scratch?

    Explains quite a bit about his on-ice performance. I think he spent most of last year in that state, along with Big Rig. They invited Lebda, but he turned the invitation over right in front of the net.

    1. Yup. That’s how incredible he’s going to be this year.

      On a serious note — my bad. Meant to throw Bertuzzi in the “honorable mention” category, like always. Scratch or not, that fucker is getting a nickname.

      1. “Scratch or not, that fucker is getting a nickname. ”

        That actually works, considering “Scratch” is one of the devil’s nicknames.

  3. For the record, 2010-11 Jimmah appears to be devoid of both “chubby ass cheeks” and/or “chubby-ass cheeks.” Not sure which you were going for, but he looked awfully slimmed down/bulked up compared to the roly-poly Jimmah of yesteryear. I’m all for puck-gobbling Brodeur rolls if that’s working, but it looks like he’s going for the ninja-assassin approach.

      1. While I did read that this was true — and thank you guys for reporting from Traverse City — he’ll always be our chubby little boy. There are certain things I just won’t get over: Bertuzzi sucks, Scuttles like the ladies of the night, Osgood cries, Tiberius has thunder buns. That’s just how it is ’round these parts.

        And for the record, I was going for “chubby-ass” and not “chubby ass.” HAHA

  4. How ’bout we call the new arena The Pen-itentiary: Definition: A structure or building where jailsexing and sucking occur on a regular basis.

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