WHAT’S ALL THIS THEN?
It’s the Red Wings and Avalanche. And even though it’s not 1996 anymore, I still hate those cocksuckers with the fire of a thousand suns. If ever there was a reason to bring back the pre-game format, it’s to get inside that tiny, emotionally corrupt, poutine-drenched brain of Patrick Roy, who is just begging to add to his illustrious list of career-best fuck-ups against, and only against, the Detroit Red Wings. Like… remember this? Or this? Or maybe this? You can call him the best goaltender of all time (you’d be wrong, but you can do that if it makes you warm and fuzzy) but remember this, Patty: we’ve owned you like a weird French slave that only talks to goalposts.
NOW WHERE WERE WE?
The last time these two teams met, it was April 5, 2013 and the Wings won 3-2 in overtime on the strength of Pavel Datsyuk’s second goal of the contest. The other goal was scored by some strange spectre allegedly named Gustav Nyquist. He must be good.
BEST NAME NOMINEE
Gabriel Landeskog has the best name on this team, even if he looks like the already-fat guy from a boy band let himself go even further.
THEIR LAST GAMES
:: Detroit defeated the Blue Jackets 2-1 on Tuesday. It was their third win in a row, and they’ll continue to ride Jonas Gustavsson.
:: Colorado beat Dallas 3-2, also on Tuesday, and remain undefeated on the young season.
By special request, the TPL Glossary is ready to jailsex your eyes.
Zetterberg — Datsyuk — Thunderchief
Mulo — Weiss — Abdelkader
Cleary — Andersson — Alfredsson
Miller — Glendening — Tootoo
Kronwall — Ericsson
Quincey — DeKeyser
Kindl — Lashoff
Tomas “Look What You’re Doing to Me” Tatar
Mikael “I’m Utterly At Your Whim” Samuelsson
Brendan “All of My Defenses Down” Smith
Darren “All I Can Manage to Push from My Lips is a Stream of Absurdities” Helm
Patrick “Every Word I Intended to Speak Wind Up Locked in the Circuitry” Eaves
The TPL Name Game “Three Stars”
Dan “What is this Madness that Makes my Motor Run and my Legs Too Weak to Stand” Cleary
Gustav “I Go From Sadness to Exhilaration Like a Robot at Your Command” Nyquist
Jimmy “Up and Down Goes My Temperature” Howard
*Think you can do better? You’re probably right, it’s been a few years…*